Learning to Sit with Monsters
Sitting in meditation for me is uncomfortable! Not just physically. That’s a given for someone who has slouched most of her life. I have yet to master sitting “in an upright and dignified” position…which is a common set of instructions provided by very dignified looking meditation teachers. I might start out like a mountain, but I soon transform into slouchy jell-o on the brink of melting into grape juice and gelatin! (more…)
Investing In Delusions?
I’m sitting by the poolside watching my son and daughter play in the pool with their cousins. We are vacationing for a few days on the spectacular island of Naxos in Greece and today will be a pool day. In between reading, conversations with my husband and taking in the poolside fraternizing, (more…)
Trauma is a Tyrant
Trauma is a tyrant
He has friends in all the right places
Guards, who are ready to attack
Trespassers on forbidden territory
Don’t mess with him
Don’t mess with them
Don’t go places you don’t belong
Don’t go digging filled in holes
Don’t go searching underneath rocks or stones
It’s not safe
Deep inside
The other side of these walls
If you are a good listener
Learnt to not to listen to your-self
You will heed this advice
And stay safe
Outside the lines
And
Waste away your life
But,
If you are brave
If you long to taste the possibilities
Of forgotten dreams
Or felt too long
A gnawing, a knowing, a nagging
Or longed to walk in bright sunny fields
Making daisy chains
Without pain
Then,
You will take down your masks,
Take off your armour
Lay down the swords
And go deep, deep into the unknown
And meet these creatures of terror
You will swallow their poison of fear
And
Spit it back in their faces
Transform,
Become the antidote
Which you will use
To find yourself once more
Frolicking In Regret!
I was getting ready to leave my kids for a week to attend a workshop/retreat of sorts and my mind was on a million other things that needed to get done. That being said, I was everywhere but where I most needed to be in those precious few moments I had with my children before our 7 day break. They wanted my attention. I grudgingly pretended to give it to them while trying to be in 10 different places physically and about a million different places in my “head” as I tried to get things “done”. Kids are smart and they soon figured out that mommy was no fun to be around tonight and slowly they drifted off to sleep sprawled across my bed in positions that resembled a lopsided Lego creation.
Searching 4 What?
It only makes sense that one of my first few blogs should be about searching.
Sure, but what does it all mean? Searching 4 Something? Who is searching and for what? To be honest, I don’t have a universal answer. I don’t by any means profess to be any kind of expert on the topic of searching. There are many “experts” past and present who have written extensively on the topic of humanity’s search for meaning in life, for love, happiness, for answers to life’s important and not so important questions. In this very moment, I foresee this blog being about my own stories. Ones documenting my adventures in the internal and external worlds I play in. Having learned some lessons recently on impermanence, I recognize that this too may change. My intentions for this blog, what I may want to write about, the lenses that I use to view and make sense of my world are all changing as I even write this. I don’t have a fancy GPS guiding my journey. Just an old fashioned internal compass that I am still learning how to fine tune!
It is my humble opinion based on my own experience as well as the stories I have heard and observed of fellow travelers… that many of us do indeed at times go on a quest of sorts. Some life event happens to us and takes us by surprise. Maybe it affects our health, affects our family, our community; that sparks a question or a subtle change in us. Perhaps an inner nagging that something or everything in our life does not fit quite as nicely as we were used to anymore. A new car, house, re-decorating the living room again just doesn’t seem to give any real lasting pleasure. Artificial and superficial conversations about the weather, the plans for the weekend or any other topic seem to have lost its allure. So either at a conscious or unconscious level, we start looking for answers, explanations or even just a temporary stopgap. Sometimes stopgaps, which the dictionary defines as an improvised substitute for something lacking, are necessary as a means to survival. Watching hours of television re-runs, staring at the inside of an open refrigerator for the 10th time in an hour, re-organizing the insides of all my closets and sleeping have all been familiar friends for me on this journey.
Meeting discontent and emptiness at the crucial intersections of life can be tough. We can and do struggle, grasping at anything to find firm grounding, even a häagen daz ice cream bar at times!
This is my very real journey. I am learning to live it moment by moment. The somewhat anal retentive parts of me want to quickly organize my life into neat little stories in chronological order. But life is messy and it does not quite work that way. At least my life does not. I have discovered that “linear paths” do not exist all too often. Time and life have been great teachers in showing me the beauty in my very own “non-linear” path towards searching for meaning and wholeness.
In my own journey I am still learning to listen and stop fighting the emptiness I feel inside and outside. I am stumbling, falling in holes for long and sometimes…more recently… shorter periods of times and learning to embrace it all. The emptiness, the sadness, the loneliness that remained even after I spent the afternoon at Starbucks with friends, are all clues, vying for my attention. When I remember to just “be” with the pauses in between the constant thinking and analyzing, then… the questions themselves sometimes start to become markers and ignite and light within me a path that reveals this inner quest I find myself on.
These are my searching stories, my postcards on this quest. Happy travelling!
My Take On Mindfulness
Victor E. Frankl said it briefly. “Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response”. This is the power of practising Mindfulness. It’s a practice that allows one to harness the potency of the present moment and the growth that sprouts in cultivating that space. My take on this practice uses a few more words!
Balance and Bicycles
I was helping my 5 year old ride on two wheels today and I found myself asking him often to find his balance. He has heard this from me a few times this week. “Find your balance sweetie, find your balance,” I hear myself repeat over and over. As if a 5 year old should know this already. It occurred to me moments later that he might not necessarily know what balance meant to be able to”find it”. (more…)
An Ex-Corporate Junkie Comes Clean!
A seeker, a searcher, a sojourner on a path into the vastly undiscovered, unknown territory that makes up me, myself and I. Somewhat of an understated yet sometimes aggressive smartass who had to get lost to discover that she was searching. An ex-corporate junkie who for a long time was clueless and blinded by the "bling" of everyday distractions to notice all the hooks, the hookers or the hooked, never mind the artificial highs and depressing lows. Am I clean now? Read more About Me and keep coming back ...I’ll come clean!
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