Getting Nowhere: When things don’t go according to plan!

All weekend I have been trying to get “things done”!  The problem is that productivity, creativity and any kind of will seem have gone into hiding.  I feel like I am swimming against the current or climbing a stair case leading to nowhere!  I know that wisdom has left me some clues to pick up somewhere here but I just want to keep my blinders on.  It’s like, I like the agony of pushing forward even when there seems to be a larger force pushing me back.  What am I doing engaging in this self inflicted torture!   

For your information, I am not only doing this to myself! I am also passing on my misery to my husband and kids. They’ve had to hear all weekend long about my plans and why things “should” go the way I want and “why isn’t things working out the way I want?” Being the enlightened guy that he is, my husband gives me a dose of my own sermons back.

“Maybe it’s not the right time honey.”

That “honey” at the end of the sentence makes me want to inflict violence on him!

“Maybe you need to relax and just accept things the way they are now and enjoy a movie with the kids and me!”

Did I mention the desire to choke him?  I am the “mindful” one in my family right?  Even the kids join in after a while.

“Mom just relax …just focus on your breath…in and out…in and out…calm your body mom…calm your body.”

This from my 6 year old little Buddha who likes to tease me relentlessly every opportunity he gets. I pretend to be annoyed because I am smug in the knowing that while he may tease and make fun of me…some of these “things” that he teases me about are surly filtering down and being stored somewhere! It will be of use to him one day and then he can pull these “skills” out of his toolbox and use them as he needs to.

Now back to my dilemma.  Really, I get what everyone is saying. It”should be” simple.  My unacceptance of the reality of what is present in this very moment is not serving me in any beneficial way. I am grumpy, not fun to be around and I am using up a lot of energy trying to march on forward with “my plans” when there are invisible forces stronger than I that are trying to keep me grounded right where I am.  Experience tells me to be patient.  Parts of me realize that my vision at the moment is very limited. I only have access to parts of the picture.  I cannot see the forest because I am caught up trying to find my way out of the maze of trees.  But sometimes it takes more than knowing to stop fighting and pushing forward.  Determination and stubbornness have served me well at times but at other times like now… they can sure make things less pleasant than they need to be.

This is the reality and the beauty of life.  Our lessons are never learnt and this school we find ourselves enrolled in during this lifetime, is not quite over until our last breath and even then there are likely more sessions and more lifetimes.  So this is yet another chance for me practice being here, bringing my impatient mind back every time it wants to “be over there”.  Here in the hot seat is where I need to be right now…impatience; wanting, control, stubbornness and some others are waiting to keep me in good company!

There is movement in stillness!