Construction Troubles Phase 1: Navigating Relationship Potholes!

I recently had a not so nice of an interaction with someone very close to me.  Their identity is irrelevant for my reasons for writing this are not to point out their faults but rather to shed some light onto areas in my own life that need some fine tuning.

I was mad! Boy was I mad! Who did this person think they were? Not only was I disgusted by the many lies that I perceived were told to me time and time again over the years, I was also tired of the games and the manipulation that I found myself somewhat of an unwilling witness to.  Although my mind made several failed attempts to continue with some clarity in thought, my body went on strike and finally refused to follow along.  It didn’t care about my reluctance to not engage in conflict. All my body knew was that things didn’t feel right. It could tell that my mind was onto this person’s games. So then, why was I pretending to not notice? Why was I giving this person permission to continue on their behaviour by not honouring my own boundaries?  All excellent questions but all too often I notice that when strong emotions take over, sense and sensibilities seem to fly out the window.

I found myself not being myself around this person.  The familiarity of this feeling coupled with the sense of constantly walking on eggshells for fear of another volatile eruption finally lost its hold over me!  I could feel myself becoming stiff and stuck, mechanically going through the motions of conduct and conversation while my awareness had long been hijacked by a tornado of emotions. A part of me knew I’d had enough. I was tired of the facades, tired of pretending not to notice, and entirely way too tired of being inauthentic to my own self!  Fear has many allies and control has been too good of a friend for this person in question.  Manipulation, lies and games can provide a false sense of control, allowing the true culprit – fear- to go further into hiding.  I have seen this play many a time and actually once too often this time around. In fact, its familiarity comes from knowing that once not too long ago, I too was capable of engaging in such drama.  It’s interesting how at times; an unawareness of our own buried fears can propel and uphold the destructive behaviours of others.

I had many a conversation in my head about showing this person “the way”. They way out of the complicated mess I felt they had made out of their life.  This of course presumes that I know the way and that I do not create complicated messes out of my life. I let these soliloquies carry on within me until they tired themselves out!

It was all of a sudden more interesting to notice my own responses, aversions and judgements to this situation and this person.  Why was it that my buttons could get pushed so easily? Their faults aside, why was I so irked and agitated when I know that I have choices to still notice the games, but carry on and respond skilfully to whatever the situation calls for, without my body tying itself into knots in a hundred different places? Let me clarify, “skilfully responding” does NOT mean condoning unacceptable behaviour. Sometimes anger can also be a skilful response when it is expressed with clarity and awareness.

I do not have a neat and happy ending to this post. I continue to learn through my own shadows that we cannot show someone their image in the mirror and expect them to recognize their likeness when they have never seen their own reflection before!   The journey of learning to see ourselves and our shadows clearly is not one that can ever be forced. One has to embark willingly.

My relationship with this person is a work in process. There is still much to unravel and de construct before the rebuilding can begin.  It’s like one of those big, huge construction projects that the city begins that you know driving by will take months perhaps years to complete and for the time being, one just has to learn to make peace with the mess, the traffic jams and the inconveniences that are part of the whole package or avoid that route altogether.  For me the answer is not so black and white. There are people and places that are connected to this road that I hold dear and, there is a part of me that cares for it also with all its imperfections. This time though and going forward, I am skilfully choosing to navigate my way without falling into the old pot holes!

So stay tuned for phase II? It might be some time away!