Learning to Sit with Monsters

Sitting in meditation for me is uncomfortable!  Not just physically. That’s a given for someone who has slouched most of her life. I have yet to master sitting “in an upright and dignified” position…which is a common set of instructions provided by very dignified looking meditation teachers.  I might start out like a mountain, but I soon transform into slouchy jell-o on the brink of melting into grape juice and gelatin! Next to the physically arduous challenge of maintaining my physical form with any sense of dignity, it is the task of reigning in my wild and wispy mind that I find most frustrating.

Actually in Mindfulness practice, we don’t rein in so much as to sit and observe the dance of the busy, busy mind.  I have followed that dance and the dancer only to be led into some very dark alleys that have caused me to run right back to safety and the numbness of not knowing.  I know with some certainty that some fierce creatures inhabit the recesses of those dark woods.

More than 500 years ago mapmakers would inscribe the words, “beyond this place there be dragons” when they reached the places where their known worlds stopped and unexplored areas began.   While the mapmakers were referring to the physical world, the world of the human mind is one of the more scarier places to venture into. I have been harbouring the idea that there may just be a few monsters along with dragons that await me in my journey inwards. Facing them quite often is terrifying.  I would much rather explore the landscapes of rural Iceland for that matter if given a choice over exploring my inner landscape.  I can already see the disapproving, “she’s not getting it look,” from my Mindfulness teacher’s all seeing eyes.

Although, my own experiences of learning to sit, even with the discomfort, and monsters and all other scary things continues to show me the wisdom in facing these terrors.  Freedom and the discovery of new and uncharted internal territories of happiness, joy and other such emotions seems to be hugely dependant on the meeting and befriending of all that appears to be terrifying. The only way to new possibilities seems to be through these gatekeepers of terror. These real and imaginary creatures need to be met with some curiosity and friendliness.  It’s just that the un-awakened parts of me would rather face them with shields of armour and some heavy duty artillery than with the kind vulnerability that would cause me to have re-occurring dreams of being exposed, walking down the street discovering that I had no clothes on!

I am scared. My sadness wears some pretty scary masks. She threatens to wake up her neighbours. Dormant pain, repressed anger, relentless denial and even some good sound shame, who are all light sleepers.    They rouse easily. These guys were early settlers. They bought up all the prime real estate during childhood when I was too young to know its’ worth and asking them to move out now…well good luck with that!

Perhaps, evicting them is not the answer.

When I discovered the practice of Mindfulness meditation, I unknowingly gave myself an invitation.  An invitation, to explore all these dark alleys with the light of curiosity, the warmth of friendliness and the gift of non-judgment.  My ego…she seems to be responding to kindness.  And the monsters…some are still lurking around.  But befriending them is a process. I start by sitting with them… listening to their stories and feeling their pain…my pain.  They are happier. They’ve had had their shields up for far too long and are very tired of fighting!